It's not that I wanna die, It's just that I don't wanna live.
To be perfectly honest, I really don't know if I actually exist. If I'm real.
Am I alive? Is everything an illusion?
I don't really feel much. I don't feel hatred, I don't feel Love, I Don't feel happiness, or anything even remotely close to it.
I can't stand the feeling of others touching me.
I don't sleep much at night. I can't. Too many thoughts, I'm on the brink of insomnia.
Sometimes I find myself doing things, just to feel the pain of it. It seems as though pain is the only way I can remind myself that I'm here, that I'm real, That I actually do exist.
What's the point of living if I can't feel anything.
Why should I stay here if I can't be touched, can't be hugged, can't hold a hand, can't kiss, or be kissed. Can't make love, can't hold someone. Can't be held while I cry.
Is God alive?
What if God really is dead? What if the devil has taken over Gods kingdom, over his reign. I know that he has here. Just look around you. Look at you. Look at me, especially at me. We're all going to Hell.
Is life worth living?
No.
Whoever says it's worth it, has never felt the way I do.
Love always,
William R. Holden
We all have different perspectives and it was really interesting reading yours! creative!
ReplyDeleteLoved the dark side of the prompt. Since most of the promps (mine included) are about 'living life to the fullest' bla bla bla. Amazing Job William.
ReplyDeletemaybe we are just actors, watching and testing you all the time. I'm not an individual william, i was sent here to watch you, along with all your friends and family. to answer your question, you are real... but we.... are not
ReplyDeleteYou're breaking my heart.
ReplyDeleteSome powerful stuff here. "What's the point of living if I can't feel anything." Dude. This is a good question. We need to figure out what's making you numb and get it out of your system. There are other ways to feel than just pain or sex.
Man. This is tough to read and tough to comment on. But I'm glad you wrote it. You're going to make a great philosophy major some day.
I can't stop thinking about this. (I know, it's only been a couple of minutes, but still.)
ReplyDeleteI love how honest your writing is, but do you have to make everything sound like an effing suicide letter? I still need to get to sleep at night.
I want you to listen to "Rise Up with Fists" by Jenny Lewis. I don't know why.
It's feeling that way that makes life worth living, to me. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess when I start feeling like life is an illusion, I decide that it's better than nothing at all. If it is an illusion, then I'm an illusion, and you're an illusion, then all of this smoke and mirrors and unreality is all that we have, so might as well hold onto it and make it worth it.
ReplyDeleteI love the last note. Love always.